Candle Scents

Jincy, who Knows Things, said that when you don’t know what to write, you should start with a list, as lists are non-threatening. Since I’d been thinking about smells this week, I have decided to open with a list of my preferred aromatherapy scents.

    Candle Scents that Inexplicably Exist (as taken from Yankee Candle and similar sites):

  • Cozy by the Fire – Sweat, ash and the stink of the melted toy soldier that your nephew threw in there at Thanksgiving.
  • Cool Water – Somehow mixing water and flame doesn’t seem prudent or useful to me.
  • Treehouse Memories – A good whiff of “No Girls Allowed” sign with hints of playing with matches and sticky, crumpled Hustlers stolen from your brother’s room.
  • Smoke Out – I am assuming that this is supposed to kill the odor of cigarette smoke, but it sounds a lot more like a candle you’d fine at Snoop’s house.
  • Wedding Day – Flop sweat, doubt, and debt.
  • Storm Watch – This depends where you live. Most places, this would be ozone and basement must. In Southern California, it smells like dust and mist.
  • Nappa Valley Sun – I imagine this as smelling like the wine that would be in juice boxes for adults.
  • Axe Essence – This one reeks of spray-on abs, not knowing when to stop, and Manliness&tmark;, and sputters out way too fast.
  • Summer Wish – This year, if this candle were true to its name, it would burn out way faster than Axe Essence, leaving us to our fall candles, unless of course the fall candle in question is
  • Pumpkin Spice – Stop. Please, stop.
  • Boss in Motion – What?
    Candles that Should Exist but Don’t:

  • Above-Ground Pool – The scent of chlorine-drenched swim suits steam-drying against hot sidewalk as you close one eye in order to focus the other eye on the wanderings of ants and almost microscopic red bugs.
  • Summer Sledding – Crushed, fresh grass clippings, the gasoline that splattered on the riding mower to which the sled is tied, mower exhaust, and Off spray.
  • Presents from Mom – A clean, soapy smell, twinned with the fresh fabric of your new robe, and enhanced by hints of potting soil, Chanel No. 5, hand cream, butter, and Merit Ultra Lights.
  • Safe and Happy – A mixture of your own laundry detergent, your own drool, your husband’s pits, both of your sweat, his hair, and a bit of dog breath from the foot of the bed. Oddly enough, this candle can nauseate others.

Any suggestions for the candle scent wish list?

Photo by Joe Le Merou

Would This Work?

Proposal: Given that the NRA has most of our candidates and legislators in its pocket, and given that Stuff Happens and will continue to Happen, we should call for an end to gun-free zones everywhere, including all government buildings, local, state, and federal. We should insist that all politicians and judges (assuming there’s a distinction) be required to fire their bodyguards, both private and government-paid. We should insist that all of these people join us in their open-carry utopia, where every citizen is responsible for his own defense. If they argue that this is unreasonable because they are high-profile targets, we may point out that just about all of the targets of our 294 (so far in 2015) mass shootings were not high-profile. Every candidate, legislator, mayor, governor, and judge who refuses to do this should be called out as a coward.

This is a schoolyard taunt, appropriate for the way we live now, which is in one big toxic schoolyard. Cowards ask the rest of us to live with risks they don’t share.

I’m serious.



Photo by National Library of Scotland